The Dread Pirate Al-Ebrahim

The Dread Pirate Al-Ebrahim is one of the shitlords from southern-BRITAIN(Surrey) and the first mortal to sail around the world. Contrary to what his title may suggest The Dread Pirate Al-Ebrahim was not feared by anyone. at all. Also, he was not a pirate, as pirates are super fucking cool and he was not, he did everything he thought pirates did (rescue maidens, discover new lands, get old and unite with younger pirates they've met in bars) but he did not rape and murder and was therefore just a scrub.

The Dread Pirate Al-Ebrahim is best known for making his three legendary voyages with his first mate Jimmy Ha'penny: the only reason Al-Ebrahim managed to survive most of the not particularly dangerous situations he found himself in. His first voyage was supposed to be around the world but he got scurvy and collapsed half way to port and had to give up, another man sailed the voyage instead but was killed battling a kraken monster who guarded the halfway point of the world (what do you mean 3d objects don't have mid-points? of course I knew that, but Al-Ebrahim and this guy didn't).

His second voyage had the same goal and this Al-Ebrahim made it onto the actual boat this time. When the time finally came to face down the kraken monster, Jimmy Ha'penny knowing by now that Al-Ebrahim was a total pussy paid the kraken monster to lose the fight giving Al-Ebrahim a massively inflated ego and making him even more unbearable for the second half of the trip but Jimmy managed to control his urges and Al-Ebrahim made it home alive, the first man to circumnavigate the globe. It was on this voyage he visited and mapped Atlantis.

Years later Al-Ebrahim fell for a beatiful farmgirl (who was actually Jimmy crossdressing at the weekends). When he told his most trusted comrade Jimmy Ha'penny about his new lady love, Jimmy, to protect his secret told Al-Ebrahim she'd been kidnapped by America (as in the whole thing, the landmass got up and carried her off) and the two set sail for war. When they arrived Al-Ebrahim realised that for some reason his swords and guns were inneffective against the apparently hostile dirt ground, so they docked in an attempt to attempt to find America's weak spot. Unfortunately they were immediately surrounded and eaten by Americans who had mistaken Al-Ebrahim for chocolate, they took his belongings and set out to what they believed to be the source of the "chocolate" as shown on his map of Atlantis.

The events of the three legendary voyages are dramatically retold in the six part miniseries "Dread" where he is portrayed by Moley the Molecunt of "Mole Cunts" fame.